Monsters
by RedHeadZebra
Summary: New summary. The press catches Yuki cheating on Shuichi with someone close. Shuichi doesn't take it well at all. But is yuki really cheating? T for eating disorder, cutting and language. Huge thanks to beta mitzia
1. Chapter 1

I don't get it.

I really don't.

Look at him, then look at me.

Blonde hair that frames his face perfectly and amber eyes that stare coldly into your soul but are so desirable.

Here, I'm stuck with childish bubble gum pink hair. God, I want to rip it out along with my equally dumb puppy dog-like purple eyes that are always wet with tears.

He's tall, I'm short.

He's hot, I'm not.

Genius? No, I'm dumber than a third grader with no talent.

He is lean with plenty of muscles.

Me, I'm a fucking cow.

I'm staring at myself in the mirror with disgust. I mean, come on, retard. He never loved you but you may have a chance, Shuichi. You have to get skinny just like all of his exes. They're hot. You can be, too and he will love you and not Kitazawa.

My shirt is off and I can see my bulging stomach. If it's gone, then I'll be happy because Yuki will love me.

I remember since I was young, I've always had problems with my self esteem. I mean, who could love someone so ugly? I would do small things like skipping meals and running a lot. It didn't get me anywhere because I was too focused on music, but it still hurt as I grew up.

I learned something because of it, though. Remember when monsters lived under the bed or in the closet but when you got a little older, the monsters turned into ghosts living in the basement until you stopped believing? I learned that monsters are real.

We all have them inside our heads.

To me, there are monsters in every calorie, every bite I take.

Monsters are the lies people say to be "nice".

Monsters are real. I live with them daily, torturing me in my own little hell.

A few weeks ago, Yuki was caught by the press with a hot Russian model in a little too friendly position. He swears up and down they didn't do anything. I don't believe him, but I'm still with him because I love the bastord, even if he doesn't love me.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm sorry for leaving for so long but life got in the way I'm trying to get some more stories in and I'm continuing a knocked up Business man's wife if will be in when I can :).

"Earth to Shuichi, are you there?"

I open my eyes to see Hiro snapping his fingers in front of my face, looking concerned.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry, Hiro. I haven't slept right in a while." It wasn't a complete lie, but it wasn't the truth either.

I get up, noticing everyone else is gone and stretch my arms above my head. "What did I miss during the meeting?"

"We got nothing accomplished, as usual. You know how everyone is."

"Haha, yeah, I know. Let me guess, Sakano had a mental breakdown again?"

"Yep. You wanna get some dinner?"

"No, but thanks anyway. Yuki had something promised for tonight." I felt awful for lying so much to my best friend.

"It's no problem. I understand. Is everything going well between you two?"

I gesture for him to get up and walk with me out of the building. "Um, yeah, I guess so."

"Thats great, Shuichi. I'm glad everything is going well." He smiles and puts an arm around me when the elevator door closes.

"How are you and Ayaka doing?" My voice cracks a little but he doesn't notice.

"Fantastic. It is so amazing. I mean, she-WAMP WAMP WAMP WAMP..." As he goes on, his voice changes to that of Charlie Brown. I pay less and less attention to him and more to my own destructive thoughts. He continues talking until we reach the outside where we say our goodbyes for the night.

Yuki and I barely talk anymore. He keeps on trying to hold me and tell me that he loves me and stuff, but it's bull. All I can see is his arm around Aleah and his face in the crook of her neck and the pleasure on her face.

Walking like a zombie all the way to my house was pretty damn hard. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry. I walk into the house - the empty house to be exact - and I decide to sit down and watch some crappy TV.

"On Pop TV Tonight, we have the latest story in the Yuki Eiri cheating controversy."

I sit up. Hopefully, it's good. It probably wasn't going to be, but oh well.

"Hello and welcome. Tonight, we have big news. Is Eiri Yuki cheating on Shindo with Hiro Nakano?"

Holy shit. This can't be real.

"We found Eiri and Nakano in public together in an embrace at a cafe in Tokyo."

I get up and run to the bathroom. My mind is a blur. He cheated on me twice; once with my best friend. How many people was there?

In a frenzy, the first thing that goes into my head is a razor. I've heard people say it helps. I go through the cabinet and I find my goal. I take the shaver apart piece by piece until I get a blade out.

I walk over to the tub and just sit down. I let all the voices replay in my head. I gingerly place the blade to my upper wrist. I press down as tears stream down my face and I slice open my wrist.

My eyes widen. I've never experienced this before. The pleasure and pain, the control I get. Damn, it's even better than sex. I go again and again up my arm until I lose count. I feel a little sleepy and let myself fall into slumber with a smile on my face.

Ugh, I had to sit through another goddamn meeting today. I pop a cancer stick into my mouth as I pass a store.

Fuck, hold on a second.

I take a few steps back to see me and Hiroki...Hiroshima...? That guy in Shuichi's band.

I see the headline and I'm at a dead sprint.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you all for the favorite follows and the review. I really appreciate it. :)

What the fucking hell? Seriously, the press is ruining my life. A picture of redhead and I hugging? It's pissing me off. They always take things out of context.

I need to get home ASAP. I hope Shuichi doesn't know yet.

Minutes later, I made it home from the meeting. I start calling out my lover's name with no response. He might not be home yet.

I walk into the hallway and turn towards the bathroom. A pit in my stomach formed when I found the door locked. I jiggle the handle frantically before I start beating on the door.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I repeat my mantra out loud. I know something is terribly wrong. I close my eyes and kick the door twice before it caved in. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

I see Shuichi laying in the tub. There's blood everywhere. "Shuichi! Shuichi, get up! Wake up!" I'm screaming at him while lifting him up and out of the bathtub. I notice cuts on his left arm, so I take off my belt and fasten it around said arm.

The rest is a blur yet so clear. My Shuichi, committing suicide or at least attempting (I'm praying that's the case, anyway).

We were so close, so damn close. It was going to be special. I guess it wasn't what I thought it was.

I called an ambulance and I rode to the hospital with him. While I was there, I called Tohma who meets me there.

"Eiri, you need to calm down. This isn't good for your health."

"Seguchi, I don't give a damn." He puts his arm around me in a friendly matter in where I assume is the waiting room of the hospital.

"Shuichi will be fine. I can assure you he always is."

"I found him in the tub with cuts on his wrist and arm. Don't fucking tell me to calm down!" I noticed something wet on my hand and realized I began crying at some point.

"Family of Shindo?" I see a tall woman with long black hair and expressionless eyes standing by the door. I ran to her so fast that it would leave a cheetah guessing.

"I take it you're Yuki Eiri. Congratulations. You saved your boyfriend's life." She begins smiling and I mean a dimples-and-teeth type of smile.

"So he's okay?" I ask, my voice urgent and agitated.

"Yes. He's asleep and we had to give him some stitches and blood. He is very, very lucky you found him when you did."

I let out a sigh of relief and wipe my eyes to find them still wet.

"Shindo can go home in a couple of days to a week. We advise he see a psychologist and we also noticed he was on the fringes of being at a healthy weight. He's just slightly underweight."

"Can I see him?"

"In thirty minutes, you can. You have some paperwork to fill out and we have to run a quick test on him before we put him in his room."

It was a valid answer. I go through the paperwork and talked to a nurse who told me some more information. Shuichi luckily didn't lose a lot of blood but if I got home any later, it would have been disastrous. We assume he passed out because he got tired and a few other factors.

It seemed like forever before I could see Shu again. I walk quickly down the hallway and into his room. God, he is so pale. There's an IV drip with blood in it connected to my Shu.

I sit down on a chair by his bed and grab his hand. It's fairly cold. As I stare at it, I hear a quiet voice squeak out.

"Y-Yuki?" I look up to see Shuichi staring at me.

"Godammit, Shuichi! You wouldn't believe how scared you got me!" Tears were streaming down my face as I lean over to embrace him.

"Why do you care? You have Aleah and Hiro, don't you?"

"Shu, I told you we didn't do anything. She was showing me a picture on her phone and I sneezed on her neck. That was a look of shock, not pleasure."

"What about Hiro?" he sniffles.

"He hugged me because I asked him if I could marry you."

I look at Shuichi's face. I have never seen such a shocked look before. I pull out the box and open it. Inside sits two platinum rings; one in my size and the other in his. Before I can react, Shu pulls me into a passionate kiss. As I begin to kiss bac-

BEEP BEEP BEEP

I turn my head and slam my fist down on the blasted alarm. Damn, I hate that dream. I have been getting it ever since Shuichi ran away from the hospital before I got a chance to even see him. I guess that dream is what should have happened back there.

A/N: PLOT TWIST! I woke up and was like "I need to make this story longer some how." Sooo Yuki Sensei was just dreaming Shuichi is just off running somewhere. Big huge thanks to mitzia for dealing with me check her out.


	4. Chapter 4

A/n Thank you so much to everyone who favorite and followed this story this chapter is much larger than usual and the pov changes alot. Please check out mitzia without her the story would look like a first grader wrote it with a chunky crayon *sigh*. Please enjoy. :D

It's been about a week since Shuichi ran away from the hospital. I've been on so many manhunts looking for him. I want to find him and tell him how much I love him and how beautiful he is.

What's wrong with me? Why didn't I see this coming? He would say he already ate. He would wear long sleeves, saying he was cold; well, he was. We haven't had sex in quite a while, saying he wasn't in the mood. Of course, I didn't force him.

I'm praying to God, Jesus, Moses, Buddha, Zeus, Ra, and every other deity out there that Shuichi was okay (enough).

He will be home safe and sound soon enough.

We just have to find him.

God look at me, I'm so disgusting. I stare at my reflection on the hotel mirror. That bulging stomach, the dark circles. Worst of all is my bittersweet symphony on my arm. It's all torn up with the scars that are starting to look more "faded". It's all Yuki's fault. He is the one I adore but I need to break this sweet bitter spell on me. (A/N: Comment if you get the song reference :D)

I love him but he has the Russian whore, Aleah, and of course my be-Ex bestfriend, Hiro Nakano, and I feel really bad about Ayaka. First, Yuki chose me and now Hiro chose Yuki.

Wow, Bad luck is a good name for us because that's all I get anymore.

For the past week, I've only eaten an apple a day. I haven't cut myself again and I haven't gone outside either. There's no point in it. It's just me alone, just like I have always been, just now without people.

It's now been two weeks. I've now hit rock bottom. Drinking like a camal, smoking cigarettes as fast as a fat kid eats a milky way.

I've decided to finally get my shit together and drag Shuichi's ass back home. The only way is to beg on TV, of course. I love Shuichi so much and I would throw away my pride for him, just please come home.

I'm doing better, I guess. By better, I mean worse.

I have only cut myself once. It was so enjoyable to watch the blood seep out of my new scar on my left calf that read "MONSTER". That's what I am now - a walking, talking monster.

I climb out of the tub, bandage up my leg, and throw on a pair of blue shorts and hobble over to the bed.

Knowing the sleep fairy won't come tonight, I turn on the TV. I mean there's no point in staring at the beige wall. As the TV turns on, I get under the dark green cover.

Once the TV loads up, I gasp and shoot up. I never thought I could get up so... slowly. At a time like this, all I want to do is run.

"Seguchi get the fuck of me!" The dick decided to hug me and not let go at all.

"But Eiriii!"

"I said off!" I push him off with a good push and there's a greatly disappointed look on his face. "I don't have time for this. Really, I'm too stressed to care either."

"Eiri, relax! You have to be at the station in three hours! Calm down!"

"Goddammit! Enough! Dont' tell me to calm down! The one you love didn't run away from his problems including yourself, didn't harm themselves, didn't blame themselves and didn't try to kill themselves!"

"Eiri, are you sure?" I looked up appalled. My sister, she could never do that to herself ever. Yeah sure I act like I really hate her, but I don't. I kinda maybe sorta care. Like hell I'd admit it. Seguchi had his usual plastered on smile but you could see the hurt in his eyes. "Mika would never do that! What the hell are you talking about?!"

Oh shit. Disgusting bastord - he kissed me before I could react. Our lips slammed together, the tingly sensation developed in my lips as he slowly but passionately kissed me.

I finally got my wits together and slammed my hands into his chest. As he shot back, I pulled back a fist and hit him straight into his jaw. I hear a popping sound and he slams into his desk, scattering papers everywhere.

"What the fucking hell?! You have a wife who happens to be my sister! You just cheated on your wife, bastord! Let me guess, every time you slept with her, you thought of me, huh?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Do you even fucking love her?!"

"I do. You shouldn't question my love for Mik-"

"Oh shut your pie hole!" I cut him off, not wanting to hear it. "You just _kissed_ me and expect me to believe you really love my _sister_?" I yell, adding emphasis on the words to get my point through his thick skull.

"The one I also love ran away from his problems. He smokes a pack a day, he slowly kills himself, he does everything you just said."

"You can't love me like that! You have my sister!"

I didn't want to hear anything else out of his mouth.

I storm out of his office, fuming. Everything is just running through my head. He kissed me while he is married and I'm devoted to my fia- I mean boyfriend.

I'm speed walking down the hallway without a giving a flying fuck if I ran into anyone. I think I scared the receptionists with the aura I was giving off. I made my way into the elevator with mirrors on the inside. I push the first floor button.

I clench my fists repeatedly, trying to calm myself down. Breath in, breath out. In, out. I look up, seeing my reflection. My eyes sink in, dark almost black circles are under my eyes. I'm paler than usual and my hair is a mess. In other words, I look like a stressed out hobo in all honesty, well a stressed out hobo in good clothes.

I hear the bing of the elevator saying I was at my destination. Walking at a much slower pace now, I walk out of the building, into the car, and started it, turning on the radio. I hear one of Shuichi's songs. Hell would freeze over before I admit it, but I really do love his voice. It's calming.

After almost getting into four car accidents, almost running over a pregnant woman, and being tempted to stop the car and beat the shit out of a scary ass clown, I made it to the station. The anchor I'm working with decided that I won't wear any make up and we should go by a script, stating how much life sucks without him and a bunch of begging on live TV. Like hell I would do that.

A couple of agonizing hours later.

"Hello, I'm Takahashi Nagisa and tonight on Pop TV, I'm here with Yuki Eiri, Shindou Shuichi's partner." She turns to me and starts speaking again. "Yuki-sensei, your partner ran away from the hospital after being admitted for a suicide attempt. How do you feel?"

"I'm going to keep it real. I found my Shuichi almost dead in the tub. He ran away from the hospital and I'm a fucking mess. If anyone you know are showing signs of self harm, get them help immediately. Shuichi, if you're watching this, please come home. Everything was a misunderstanding. I love you. I'm a mess without you. We will get the help you need. Please come home."

Throughout my whole speech, Nagisa was trying to interrupt me. I only got louder when she did.

As soon as I was done, I walked out. It didn't matter who yelled for me. I kept walking straight into my car.

Shu, please come home.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: The song from the last chapter was bittersweet symphony by Apocalyptica (my favorite band). And I'm super sorry for taking so long but I was on vocation. But I do have good news I came out as a bisexual to my grandparents and they didn't care :D. And if your in the closet in a homophobic family or are just to scared to feel free to talk to me I understand (kinda of I don't know exactly) but please pm me and same if your feeling suicide or anything in that nature pm please or go to someone trusted. Rate and Review. Check out my beta Mitzia she is awesome.

Seeing Yuki on TV, you would think I would be at a dead sprint but I'm not. Isn't he mad? Does he hate me? Is it all a show?

"Of course it's all a show. He doesn't love a pig like you. Who would? Oh yeah, no one would."

I hate that voice, "Ed". He is me and I am him. My mean half, the bully, my eating disorder, my depression, my everything. I'm the weak half, the happy half, but I get hurt so easily.

Fuck, it. I get up, grab some clothes off the floor, grab my phone, some money, and my keys, leaving the rest of the clothes there. They aren't important. I just ordered some online a couple weeks ago just in case I had to leave. I can't move too fast without getting dizzy but it's worth it to be beautiful and loved by Yuki.

I throw on a pair of shades and check out of the hotel then make my slow way down to the train station. I decided not to call Yuki. I needed some time to think about life in general.

I made it to the train and sat down next to a woman with chocolate brown hair and bright green eyes who looked stressed out. A couple minutes into the ride, I cough hard and my glasses fall off. She gasps and picks up my glasses. Once I'm done coughing, she hands me my shades and yells, whispers, and squeals all at the same time. "Oh my God, I know who you are! This is so amazing! Oh wait, are you feeling better? Are you going back to Yuki-sensei?"

"I am, thank you, and yes I am." Her smile softens at my statement.

"That's really good. My lover really loves Yuki-sensei's work." Her smile soundly dropped and she looked like she was going to cry.

"Miss, did something happen with your lover?"

"I did something bad, really bad and sh- My lover got really mad at me and we both said some things we both didn't mean." I noticed her "cover up" as her face got redder and redder.

"First off, it's completely okay to talk with another woman. Be proud of it. You can say she is your girlfriend. About the fight, you should both apologize and try to make the thing you did wrong better." I give her some well-needed advice, noting she was going to cry any second now.

"Well the thing I did can't just be fixed or mad better..." She trailed off and looked down in shame.

"Well what is the thing you did?"

"Promise you won't tell?" I nod up and down, a bit confused. She looks around, seeing if anyone is looking and then she gingerly lifted up the sleeve of her green hoodie, showing me several scars crisscrossing each other all up her forearm. After a few seconds, she pulled her sleeve down and her gaze continued down ward.

"Try to be better for your lover. Just imagine what she's been going through."

"Shindou-san, you should listen to your own words."

She looks up. A few tears were on her face.

It hit me. Yuki. How is he feeling? I've been so greedy. I need to try to get better for him.

"You can't. He doesn't love you because you're a cow, a really ugly worthless one!"

Oh yeah, that's right.

I almost forgot.

"I will. I'm trying." I give her a fake goofy smile, thinking to myself I'm trying to reach perfection. The train stops and the lady I've been talking to stands up and smiles brightly.

"It's my stop. It was nice talking to you. Oh, and by the way, I'm Takahashi Misaki*." Misaki walked off happily and I'm now alone.

He isn't happy that I ran away from the hospital but he will be happy when I'm perfect. Once my stop comes, I stand and trudged my way out of the station into guess what - pouring freaking rain. Great, don't you just love cliche moments?

Walking the three blocks (which feels like three miles) was difficult. I'm exhausted but I made it. Soaked, but I made it to Yuki's door.

"What do you mean she ran away?"

"She just wrote a note saying she was leaving for a while yesterday! It's today! She could be dead!"

"Just calm down. Seriously, Shu has been gone for weeks with a similar problem. Just give her some time okay?" After saying that, I hear a knock at the door.

"Hey Aki, I have to go. Good luck with Misaki."

"Thank you. Good luck with your lover also." I hung up the phone and dashed to the door, praying it was Shuichi.

Alright Eiri, you can do this.

Three, two, one.

I open the door to see Shuichi shivering. He was freezing, wet, standing in front of my door, and _**alive.**_

"Yuki I-!"

He passed out straight into my arms.

* I'm planning on doing a gender bender story for junjou romantica :) Check it once it comes out. I don't know what I'm naming it.


	6. Chapter 6

It's warm.

I hear another person's breath in my ear.

I'm alive.

I open my eyes to see the light streaming through the window. I'm in Yuki's room, in Yuki's bed, with Yuki in it. His strong arms are wrapped around me like a snake. Yuki's chest keeps falling and raising as he breaths gently. Maybe, just maybe, he cares and lov-

"No dumbass, he doesn't. He never will. You need to cut. Now, go cut!"

No, Yuki would hear me crying.

"Then don't cry. Take it like a man and he wouldn't help you anyway!"

But-

"No buts. It will help, I promise."

After many nights, well I should say passionate nights, I've learned how to slip out of his grip. I gingerly unwrap his arms from me. I sat up, gathering the energy to get up. I stand up, take two steps before I get dizzy, stumble, then just fall over in a clash.

"Shuichi, you stupid brat, what the hell are you doing?!" He runs up towards me and kneels down beside me.

"Go cut! C'mon, get up, Shu! He is just annoyed!" Ed just had to speak at the perfect time.

"I gotta, I gotta!" I'm crying hysterically, unable to control myself. Yuki straddles me and pins my arms down, trying to calm me down, I'm guessing.

"Shu baby, what do you have to do?" his calm and collected voice softly spoke.

"I need to do it, Yuki, please!"

"Love, what do you need to do?" I mumble out what I need to do barely above a whisper. "What was that?"

"Cut!" I shout at him. I turn my head so our eyes meet. I'm greeted with the saddest looking eyes ever.

"Shu babe, you don't need to and you won't. Don't you see you're distorting yourself? I need you. I love you..."

"Don't lie to me, you bastard! You can't love me!"

"Hey you damn brat, I'll love you if I love you! There's no two ways about it. You can't hurt yourself anymore!"

"I deserve it!"

"Who the hell told you that?!"

"The voices in my head, Eiri!" Shit I went too far. I've never called him Eiri like that before.

"All I see is perfection, Shu. I don't understand why you think you deserve this. Do you?"

"W-What?"

"Why do you deserve this hell? You know, cutting and starving and whatever else you do."

"B-Because-"

"You don't know, do you?"

"I'm ugly, worthless, pathetic, talentless, fat, disgusti-"

"Shut up! You're perfect!"

Before I could get in a word edgewise, he slammed his lips onto mine for a bruising kiss that quickly turned into a softer tender one. He started moaning into the kiss and flipped us over so I was on top and wrapped his arms around my waist. He slowly removed his lips from mine and cupped my face with both hands, making me look at him in the eyes.

 _"He hates you,"_ Ed bellowed

"I love you."

 _"You're ugly."_

"You're beautiful."

 _"Fatso."_

"You're too skinny. It's not healthy."

 _"Worthless. He can do better than you!"_

"I'm nothing without you. You're my everything. I need you to live for me, please!"

"Y-Yuki, I don't know if I can."

"Baby steps, one at a time. You're going to get counseling. You're gonna get better. You're strong. You can do it."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"

A waterfall started in my eyes as I hold onto the front of Yuki's shirt, repeating my apology. He just held me, whispering comforting words. I could have sworn it was hours of us in that position before he picked me up, carrying me to the bed. He layed me down and did the same beside me, keeping his hold on me. Then he started singing some American song.

Yes, singing.

It's a tight secret between us. His barratone voice lulled me to sleep.

I started singing to Shuichi to calm him down and to let him get some more rest.

 _"Now don't you be afraid._

 _We can always talk about it._

 _No need to medicate._

 _'Cause I know you're strong without it._

 _You got me through the days._

 _When I thought I couldn't face it,_

 _Let me count the ways._

 _The love we have you can't replace it._

 _Just hold on, I'm not that strong._

 _There's a little piece of heaven_

 _Right here where you are._

 _The fact that you keep trying_

 _Is what sets you apart._

 _Help me find the reason_

 _And I'll help you find the way_

 _To get rid of all your pain_

 _Little by little, day by day."_

I tighten my hold on Shuichi as I sang that part.

 _"Now, you're far away_

 _And I'm alone to cry about it._

 _It's not a better place_

 _When you die and leave me here to say."_

Wow, it's pretty shocking to think that almost happened.

 _"Hold on, I was never that strong._

 _There's a little piece of heaven_

 _Right here where you are._

 _The fact that you keep trying_

 _Is what sets you apart._

 _Help me find the reason_

 _And I'll help you find the way_

 _To get rid of all your pain_

 _Little by little, day by day."_

Shuichi's breath started to slow and even out.

 _"You'll get stronger._

 _If you need me, I'm not far away._

 _So, just hold on_

 _I'll help you find a way._

 _I'll help you find the way._

 _There's a little piece of heaven_

 _Right here where you are._

 _The fact that you keep trying_

 _Is what sets you apart._

 _Help me find the reason_

 _And I'll help you find the way_

 _To get rid of all your pain_

 _Little by little, day by day._

You're my little piece of heaven, Shu." I whispered in his ear as he finally went to sleep.

I spent all night, a.k.a. morning, awake to make sure Shuichi doesn't leave again.

He is so perfect.

Why does he hate himself?

That will always astound me.

A/N: Hey my little Zebralines got the new chapter in abd the song is heaven [little by little] by theory of a dead man. Big huge thank you to my terrific beta Mitzia please check her out.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey my zebralines! GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL IN THE US OF A! it's unfortunate to wait so long but it's here now! :D Please rate and review I'm getting self conscious. But big huge thank you to the best beta ever Mitzia. Check her out.

I miss this a lot. I guess the saying "you never know what you have in until it's gone" is true. Those little moments in life like waking up before Shuichi and watching him sleep curled up next to me or taking a shower and having a warmed up towel ready. Walking into the kitchen and finding a cup of coffee ready for me just the way I like it with a touch of vanilla extract in the grounds, drinking said coffee and then having Shuichi kiss me goodbye.

I hear my cellular phone vibrate on my nightstand. I slip out of Shuichi's grip and grab my phone, seeing the caller ID.

It's redhead guy.

I get up from the bed and walk out of our bedroom. I closed the door to make sure I don't wake Shu up.

"Talk to me."

"Yuki-san, is Shuichi home yet?!"

"Yeah, he came home last night but Hiroshima-"

"Hiroshi or Hiro or Nakano," Hiro corrected me.

"Whatever but I'm concerned. Last night, he was going on about how worthless and ugly he was and some other completely untrue bullshit. I asked him what gave him the idea that it was true and he said the voices in his head. I can't tell if he was being sarcastic or not."

"Go ask him about it."

"I can't," I state bluntly.

"Why the hell not?!"

"He is still asleep."

"Oh."

"I need to go, Hiroki."

"Jesus, you're worse than Matthew."

"What, Hitomi?"

"Oh uh, nothing. Wait, hey, that was a chic-"

I hung up on him with a smirk on my lips. Of course I can remember his name. I just needed something to kind of lighten the mood. I only have trouble remembering names when I'm under stress.

I need to show Shuichi just how much he means to me. Then I get an idea. I'll have to start on that when he is stable though.

I walk back into the bedroom, seeing Shu awake, sitting straight up while looking at the wall. I walk towards him and slowly straddle him. He looks straight into my eyes. I see his beautiful, gorgeous, perfect amethyst eyes looking a little confused.

"Y-Yuki?" he quietly whispers before I gently take his lips into mine. But, he isn't kissing me back. As I kiss him, we slowly fall back when he starts kissing me back. He wraps his arms around my neck, trying to deepin it but I keep my slow gentle pace. We both needed air, so we stopped the kiss. "I thought you liked it rough?"

"Only when we are knee deep in passion. I thought you liked it gentle?" I know he does and I know something is going through his brain.

"I just want to make you happy," he slowly stated, almost afraid.

"Shuichi, what's going on? I know something is up. Please tell me." I lightly push his wrists into the bed.

"I'm afraid." A quiet whisper come out of those perfect subtle lips.

"Afraid of what?"

"You leaving..." Tears start to leak out of his eyes.

"Why would I leave?"

"B-B-Because I...I'm me..."

"It's because you're you that I'm staying."

"W-What?"

"I don't care how many times I have to tell you this but I will drill it into your dumbass brain. I. Love. You. I'm in love with your beautiful smile, your laugh, your absolutely sexy curves when you're healthy, the way you hold a pen and twirl it, your beautiful eyes, your voice, everything about you, and most importantly, I love you for you. I love everything about you except the fact that you hate yourself to the point of self mutilation and a fucking suicide attempt. I hate those parts of you, but I don't hate you - I just hate those facts. But, I love as a whole everything about you. You. Will. Get. Better. That includes me already having all the knives and pointy objects hidden. Also, you're eating and you're not leaving my sight, especially after eating because you're perfect and I love you so much to show my lovey dovey side."

I heard a small giggle after my statement. My heart skipped a beat seeing Shuichi smile and giggle again. I ended up staring at Shuichi.

"What is it Yuki?"

"You smiled." I leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

"What time is it?"

"Er, uh 3:30."

"Jeez, I was a asleep for a long time."

"You really needed it, Shu."

"I have to use the restroom," Shuichi stated.

"Here, I'll help you get there. Leave the door open though."

"Why?"

"I don't want you throwing up."

"I don't even have anything in my stomach."

"It's a habit I don't want you getting into, so just fucking do as I say."

"Fine. Anything for you, Yuki."

I help guide him into the bathroom where he relieves himself. I guide him back into the bedroom. After laying him down on the bed, I leave with a promise of food.

While I'm in the kitchen nuking some crappy cheap caned chicken noodle soup, my phone goes off. Without even looking at the caller ID, I flip said phone open. "Satan speaking, would you like to make a reservation in Hell?" I say, using my best stereotypical gay voice.

"You're a sick bastord, you know that?" Hiro's voice said, sounding completely umamused.

"Well Nakano, I'm losing my mind. I need something to keep me calm which happens to be comedy so take it or leave it."

"Okay..."

The microwave went off so I disarmed the bomb-like alarm. "What do you need anyway?" I'm starting to get ticked off and letting that show in my voice.

"How is Shuichi?"

"Awake. He's still convinced he is worthless but I'm setting him straight."

"I'm emailing you different rehabs that have programs for this kind of stuff. Also, Seguchi said Shu can take all the time off he needs."

"Good." I hung up, knowing it was the end of our conversation and grabbed the bowl out of the microwave before heading up stairs to have a battle; the enemy being a eating disorder.

Oh God, I have to eat. I'm going to get fat, really fat, and then there is no way in hell he will love me. I know he said he loves me for me but still, physical attraction is the staple of romantic and sexual relationships, right?

"Hey Shu, I'm back."

"Hey."

He hands me the bowl of soup. As I sit up, I look at it. It's just so fattening. Yuki looks at me, urging me on to eat. "You need to eat," his eyes plead.

I take a bite, chewing the noodles.

One.

Two.

Three.

"Shu, don't count, just eat." I slowly ate bite by bite, not knowing how many monsters are in that bowl anymore.

I'm becoming a monster, oh God.

"You did great I'm proud of you. How are you feeling?"

"Horrible! That was so hard."

"I know but you did great." He leans over and embraces me while I sob into his chest.

"You did great. Thank you for trying. I love you."

"I love you too."

Did you see that hetalia reference. XD.


	8. Chapter 8

Hey I'm sorry for taking so long with getting this chapter up I kinda ran into a plot bunny with my new story "Purple butterflies with blue dots" which us the gender bent one mentioned. As usual huge thank you to mitzia for being my beta please go check her out.

JustAfangirl: Thank you :D *High fives* I found another Apocalyptica fan! (I would pm you if you wernt a guest fyi) :D.

We spent all night in each other's arm like our lives depended on it. I whispered sweet nothings into his ear until he fell asleep. I know beating myself up over this whole mess is pointless but I still do it. It's almost like a security blanket. If it's my fault this happened, no one else is to blame.

"Y...ki…" A whisper came out of my lover's mouth as he held me tighter. Knowing the love of my life is sleeping soundly and having pleasant dreams relaxed me because the next thing, I know it's bright and sunny outside.

Shuichi wakes up we say are good mornings. He went to use the restroom (with the door open, of course). I went to make breakfast. We got into an argument over what he would eat but we compromised to Shuichi eating one egg and one piece of toast. He went to lay down for a nap and again, I stayed with him until he fell asleep. Leaving the door open, I went into the living room and dialed up Hiro's number.

"Hey, right now is not the best time, so please be quick."

"If you want to see Shuichi, today you can."

"Wh... ne." I heard another (male) person's voice on the other end.

"It's Yuki-San, Sug." Oh that guy.

"So you and that Suguru guy are fucking now? That's great for you guys!" God, if I could see their faces. I heard the phone drop and some stammering.

Laughing to myself, I go down the hall to check on Shuichi to only find Shu not in our room and hearing some not so normal sounds.

"Fuck."

~Shuichi POV~

After arguing over how much I ate for breakfast, I go take a "nap." But seriously, an egg and a piece of toast have way too many calories.

I acted like I was fast asleep and I heard Yuki's muffled talking. Then, I slipped out of the room and into one of our bathrooms which we pretty much only use for our make-up. I walked in and silently closed the door, got on my hands and knees, and breathe in and out, in and out. Two fingers go down my throat. It's disgusting and a little painful, but it's very relieving. I've only done this a couple times throughout my lifetime.

I feel everything going away - calories, guilt, fat.

I'm getting skinny by getting rid of monsters.

I'm slowly becoming human again.

"You little shit. What the fuck?!"

Shit. He heard me.

"Y-Yuki?"

"Save it."

He avoided eye contact before picking me up, flushing the toilet, and carrying me into our room and setting me onto the bed. He gently kissed my forehead then it went black.

~Yuki POV~

I think the second his head hit the pillow, he fell asleep, which is good considering everything that has happened. I sat there for a little while before I walked out of the room, grabbing my phone out of my pocket and walked into the living room. I'm about to dial Hiro, but I hear a knock at the door.

"What the fuck happened?" I open the door to see a panicked, sleep deprived Hiro standing there.

"I was about to call. He made himself throw up," I stated as nonchalantly as possible, but my voice still cracked with worry.

"Oh. Where is he?"

"He's in the bedroom asleep."

"That's good."

We awkwardly walk over to the couch and sit down.

"This whole thing is pissing me off. I keep telling him how he really is and what he means to me but he goes self-harms in some way."

"Yuki-san, you really need to understand he is not just going to magically stop doing this to himself. He's had low self-esteem all his life. All you can do is take precautions, tell him your feelings, and be a shoulder to cry on. You need to stop looking at eating dinner as just eating dinner. It's war; that's what it is. He has this unhealthy image in his head of what he is supposed to look like and he isn't going to be happy until he looks like it. You need to stop viewing cutting as a pointless destruction of the body. It's so different. It's like release for him from all of his problems, so try to think differently for his sake."

"Look, I understand I have to think differently, but sometimes I just really want to strangle him and bash his head into a wall because of how stupid he is being."

"We view it as stupid and destructive, he sees it as a perfect plan approved by Albert Einstein. For him to understand us, we have to understand him first. Like I said, it's not going to disappear. Ten years from now he is still going skip dinner and want to throw up. It's going to stick with you guys forever."

"So pretty much what you're saying is no matter what I do, he will still be like this?" I asked, puzzled. There is no way in hell he was staying like that.

"Not exactly. He can get better, but we can't give up on him. You can't get mad at and yell at him whenever he slips up. You have to hold him tight until he stops crying. Every day when he wakes up, you have to tell him how important he is to you."

"How do you know how to handle this stuff?"

"Shu and I have been best friends for a long time, so you just learn how to deal with this kind of stuff." His eyes looked censure and confident in what he is saying.

"Go check on Shuichi, will you? I need to really think all this shit over."

~Hiro POV~

I stand up, slightly pissed off. I mean, how dense can he be? But at the same time, Yuki-san has never dealt with a suicidal eating disorder Shuichi before.

If you ask Shuichi, he would say growing up, his eating disorder and self-hate was very little or at an average area for someone his age to go through.

He is wrong.

I remember Shuichi eating, no devouring, a cup of instant ramen and a pack and a half of pocky and then a few minutes later, the guilt would set in. I would have to hold him and try to stop myself from crying when he would ask:

"Am I fat?"

"Am I ugly?"

"Why do I hate myself?"

"What's wrong with me?"

It took all of my self-control to just grab a hold of him and kiss him.

Yes, complete strangers, I'm narrating to kiss him.

I fell in love with Shuichi. He was the first person I told I that I'm bi. We took the Kinsey Sexuality test*. I was so nervous because I was still in the closet with myself. I was ecstatic when he told me his score was two and he was completely happy with it, a little shocked but happy. So, I told him I got a four. He leaned over and hugged me, saying we are best friends until the very end of time.

Shuichi was even the person to get me out of a depressed state I was in when Ayaka dumped me because she finally figured out she's a lesbian (and I've been trying to hook her up with a now single purplette we all know and love).

So, I guess I don't have to try to justify my emotions. I'm allowed to be pissed.

I walk over to Shuichi and Yuki-san's bedroom. I open the door, finding Shuichi thrashing around in his sleep. I close the door and rush to my best friend's side, shaking him awake.

"Shu! Shu, it's just a dream! Wake up!"

"Hiro?!" He opened his eyes and clinged onto me, crying. I guess it was a really bad dream.

"Did you have a bad dream?" I already know the answer but I should ask anyway.

"Y-Yeah. Yuki was yelling at me, telling me that I'm worthless and he left me for you!" Damn, the thing that fired all of this up.

"He would never do that. You remember that picture the media got a hold of?" He nodded his head up and down.

"We were just bro hugging because he asked me something very important and the only way I could thank him was to hug him, okay? There is nothing between us."

"R-Really?" He looked up hopefully.

"Yes really," I reply softly. I move myself so I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. "I heard you made yourself throw up. Is that true, Shuichi?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter."

"Why?"

"Because I'm getting skinnier."

"Why do you need to get skinnier?"

"Because I'm fat."

"By any standards, you're not fat."

"By my own, I am," he said, his voice dropping a little.

"You're pretty much killing yourself, you do realize that, right?"

"It's worth it."

"No, it's not, Shu! You need to stop doing t

"No, it's not, Shu! You need to stop doing this to yourself! People care and love you! They can't stand seeing you like this!"

"Then get out of my life!"

I could see Shuichi as if he was painted like a picture. His lips are yelling, "Go away! Leave me alone!", but his eyes are screaming, "Please don't go! Don't leave me!"

These are emotions he has held back for years.

"I can't fucking do that and you know it! I also know if Yuki-san and I were to leave, you would be an even bigger wreck!"

"Fuck you, Hiro!"

"You're only saying that because you know I'm right," I gently say and that is what got him. I held him tight as he let out every emotion he has held in.

I've only seen him this bad when he had to live with his homophobic asshole of an uncle, Soubi. Well, that's a memory everyone wants to forget.

I held on to Shuichi, whispering kind words, trying to get him to calm down until he just passed out on me like a light bulb. I get up and readjust Shuichi under the covers and left the bedroom.

"I made the appointment for tomorrow. We need to make sure everything is _goodish_ with him."

"That's good. I've got to go, Yuki-san, but don't forget what I've said to you."

"Yeah, whatever. Have fun fucking your lover," was the snappy reply I got.

I took the hint and left, dialing Maiko's number.

"Hello?" Definitely not Maiko's voice.

"Uh, oh, I'm sorry. I think I got the wrong number." I was about to hang up and redial when I heard a female voice.

"Nakano, is Shuichi okay?!"

"Yes, he is. He just needs some time."

"Where is he?"

"He's at Yuki-san's, but don't come down yet. He needs some time to just to think some things over."

"But we are his family!"

"Just listen to me, alright? Everything is going to be alright."

"Whatever!"

Dial tone, I have never wanted to hear you so much. I looked up into the sky, seeing the clouds and birds flying overhead, thinking to myself.

Shuichi, I still love you.

It's just different now.

I thought I loved Ayaka, but I now know I'm in love with the keyboardist and that's okay.

Shuichi, you have someone who loves you uncontrollably and I'm glad.

*The Kinsey Sexuality test/scale was created by Dr. Kinsey to prove that not everyone is straight or gay there is some gray area. Each variation is a little different the one I'm referring to is a 0-8 scale 0 being asexual 1 being completely straight and 8 being completely gay. I had Shuichi get a two (making him hetroflexible) and Hiro being a 4 (making him bi). It's a fun test

but be honest when taking it. Love does not know a shape color age or gender as long as it's consensual and not hurting anyone you have nothing to worry about.


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